Coming out of the dark

Updated: Apr 24, 2021


Woah. I've kept myself busy and feeling productive to avoid admitting I was mourning a loss. One of my doors closed. I was passionately involved in a project for about 4 years and my time with it came to an abrupt end. I've spent the whole month processing it and letting go. I've taken steps to address this change and taken every day with a grain of salt, making sure I accomplished something new on my To-Do list. I focused on my new steps and did my best... but wasn't feeling so great.


This is my first funk in a while. I was doing so well with my rituals and practices, soaking up the sun and feeling present and expansive. Practicing vulnerability and challenging myself to show up for my team, friends, and community in ways I haven't before. Then I just closed up. I was past my personal threshold and I was overwhelmed...and didn't tell anyone.


I've been listening to Brene Brown's book, "Rising Strong" on audible and she talks about how we all have our own way of managing day-to-day anxiety. This is based on psychologist, Dr. Harriet Lerner's work.


We either "over-function" or "under-function. Over-functioning is being quick to act, give advice, take over, "rescue", or micromanage someone or the situation. Under-functioning is when one becomes less competent under stress and lets others take over for them. These individuals cause concern or worry for those close to them and could be labeled as "fragile" or can't take the pressure. We learn these behaviors from our first families. To learn more about Brene Brown's perspective on this tune into her podcast episode here that discusses it further.


I have the conditioning of an over-functioner. I also recall times I've slipped into under-functioning tendencies too. I suppose it depends on the day and the situation 😅🤩.


These past couple of days I've opened up and shared my feelings with my husband and some friends. All of this is important for me to share here on the blog as well. I may be amazing at giving and serving those in my life, but I'm not the best at receiving.


I realize I over-function because I love viewing myself as a helper and I'm not comfortable "being the bearer of negative news" and not wanting to voice my struggle and asking for help or support. This happens because I see myself as a manifestor, a do-er, and I can't possibly ask for something I need...because I expect myself to be self sufficient otherwise. Also, I see I have this association of shame when asking for help.


Living in this dysfunctional way these past few days kept me isolated and it was lonesome because I didn't want to talk about it. One new skill I've developed is being comfortable with my process and accepting I don't know all the specifics and being open to the process of healing no matter how long it takes. It could take days or weeks. I'll know when it's over, I just have to surrender. This helped me fully feel and experience what I was going through and I was able to see myself, catch myself and now I'm reframing things and coming out of this.


At the end of "Chapter 8: Easy Mark" in"Rising Strong" by Brene Brown, she lists important lessons she's uncovered and learned by experiencing this similar block herself. I would love to share them with you because you may find it helpful, eye opening, or encouraging:


  • Dysfunctional Belief: Helping is courageous and compassionate = a sign you have it all together

  • Dysfunctional Belief: Asking for help = sign of weakness and isn't brave

  • Dysfunctional Belief: If I'm not being brave or generous enough, I'm not helping enough.

  • When you judge yourself for needing help, you also judge those you help (or are helping).

  • When you attach a value to asking for help, then you attach a value to needing help and can create blocks.

  • If you identify as a helper, then you could experience shame when asking for help.

  • Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but remember so IS asking for help.


Wishing ya'll are well! If you're feeling grateful and thankful, tell me what's brought you delight lately on my forums here :) I want to know 💓.


Sincerely from my Heart,

T






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